JIM'LL FIX IT....

HALEWOOD OLD PEOPLES HOME
Upper Hale Road
Hale Village
near Liverpool

Dear Jim’ll fix it,

I want to thank you for the lovely transistor radio you so kindly sent me. It is all the more wonderful that absolute strangers like yourself remembers old people like me. I am 80 years old and have been at the house for the past sixteen years. We are treated very kindly, but, the lonely hours are very hard to bear.

My room mate, Mrs James, has a radio, but will never let me listen to it and even switches it off when I come into the room. Now I have one of my very own.

My son and daughter are very nice and come to see me once a month, but, I know that they only come along from a sense of duty.

This is why your gift is all the more wonderful and thrilling to me as it was given out of compassion for a fellow human being. God bless you always.

Today Mrs. James radio went wrong and she asked me if she could listen to mine. I told her to fuck off.

Yours sincerely

Mary Grant.

IT'S COCKNEY INNIT, KNOW WOT I MEAN?

click to enlarge

AND A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL

TODAYS JOKES

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north/south latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees east/west longitude."
"You must be a scientist," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect those beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

A man walks up to a pharmacist and asks for a box of condoms for his 14 year old daughter. The pharmacist is shocked and he replies "Are you telling me your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?".
"I wouldn't say active, she pretty much just lays there like her mother."

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks. What is politics?
The dad says, "well son let me try to explain it this way"
I'm the bread winner of the family, so lets call me capitalism.
Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the working class and your baby brother, The future.
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense.
So little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. Later that night,he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So little Johnny goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he
peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning little Johnny says to his father: Dad I think that I understand the concept of politics now.
The father says "good son tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
Little Johnny replies. Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class. The government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.

THE TRUTH ABOUT CELEBRITY RUMOURS

Richard Gere and the gerbil
Throughout the '80s, accusations of gerbiling (i.e. "coaxing a live gerbil into your rectum for the purposes of sexual pleasure") haunted several D-listers, including a news anchor in Philly and a Cleveland Browns linebacker, before permanently latching onto Gere, who was allegedly rushed to the hospital for emergency rodent removal. Hearsay ballooned into the most famous celebrity rumor in history when someone faxed dozens of Hollywood offices a fake ASPCA press release claiming that Gere had "abused" a gerbil. Since then, the legend has been passed around locker rooms and the writers' offices of animated series (South Park, Family Guy). Perhaps none of Gere's interviewers have had the guts to go there, or maybe there's some kind of publicist-issued fatwa, but Gere has never publicly addressed the rumor. Would you?

Suri Cruise is a scam
Does Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' larvum actually exist? Cruise is so strange, and Scientology so shadowy, that it's easy to imagine the whole thing is some kind of conspiracy. Not helping matters: Holmes's press-friendly, four-year pregnancy; the media-whorish couple's failure to exhibit their offspring in public for months after her birth; and the rumor that Tom Cruise auditioned a stable of actresses for the part of his wife (among them Jessica Alba, Keri Russell and Scarlett Johansson). Then Vanity Fair got the photos, the result of days of shooting around the Cruise estate, and the smiling, glassy-eyed features editor was on Larry King declaring that Cruise and Holmes are the best parents in the world and that Scientology "didn't come up" during the shoot. So for the first time in history, documentation only made the existence of the subject seem less true.

Nancy Reagan was a blowjob queen
According to Kitty Kelley's biography, the future first lady "was renowned in Hollywood for performing oral sex." Back when she was Nancy Davis, the actress reportedly went down on many an actor "not only in the evening but in offices. That was one of the reasons that she was very popular on the MGM lot." You have to shift your conception of '80s conservatives around a little to buy this, but it's worth the effort.

David Bowie's wife walked in on him and Mick Jagger having sex
Some have said that the rumor about Mick Jagger and David Bowie having an affair in the '70s was fueled by prurient homophobia. We prefer to think it became popular because it's fucking hot. Regardless, according to Snopes.com, the rumor was started by Angela Bowie on The Joan Rivers Show. Recently freed from a gag order against her ex-husband, Bowie told Rivers that "I caught him in bed with men several times. In fact, the best time I caught him in bed was with Mick Jagger." She also specified that the men were naked. David and Mick's lawyers quickly denied the story, after which the ex-Mrs. Bowie did some extreme backpedaling, saying they hadn't necessarily had sex just because they were naked in bed together. Then came this passage from her 1993 memoir Backstage Passes : ". . .when I walked into that room and found Mick and David together, I felt absolutely dead certain that they'd been screwing. It was so obvious, in fact, that I never even considered the possibility that they hadn't been screwing. . . I didn't have to look around for open jars of K-Y jelly."

Marilyn Monroe did porn
If a Marilyn Monroe porn reel existed, it's hard to imagine anyone who wouldn't want to see it. Does it? According to FBI files turned up by The Smoking Gun, Joe DiMaggio once tried to purchase a "French-type" movie of "Marilyn Monroe, deceased actress, in unnatural acts with an unknown male." And in 1980, a Swedish photographer unearthed a silent reel from 1948, featuring an awkward young actress with a striking resemblance to Monroe. After intense scrutiny by everyone from the American Film Institute to Penthouse, the film is still a mystery: no one can be certain that the actress is Marilyn. Does it matter?

Hilton mothers give their daughters sex lessons
Kathy Hilton taught her daughter Paris not to perform fellatio because it would put "holes" in her cheeks, according to Jerry Oppenheimer, author of the exposé House of Hilton. A tradition of sex lessons amongst the Hilton women supposedly originated with Kathy's mother; a source in Oppenheimer's book claims Big Kathy wanted her daughter to know "all about sex, and how to perform sex, literally the best possible way." To that end, Grandma Hilton allegedly asked a young man to teach her Kathy how to have sex in a van in the front of their house. Although this is probably all spurious and mean-spirited invention, House of Hilton sounds like a pretty awesome book.

John Lennon had an affair with Brian Epstein
According to Albert Goldman's book, The Lives of John Lennon, the Beatle had an affair with the band's manager and close friend, Brian Epstein, from 1963 until Epstein's death in 1967. Two other authors, Peter Shotten and Hunter Davies, claimed that Lennon and Epstein had sex but not a long-term relationship. Lennon denied the rumor, telling Playboy in 1980 "it was never consummated, but we had a pretty intense relationship." Lennon's ex-wife Cynthia also refuted the claim in her memoir, John, saying, "[Like] most lads at the time, [John] was horrified by the idea of homosexuality."

Mick, Marianne and the Mars Bar
In 1967, police raided a party at Keith Richards' estate and supposedly found Mick Jagger chowing a Mars Bar out of Marianne Faithfull's nay-nay. A delicious, nougaty rumor, for sure, but according to Faithfull's autobiography, the story is nothing but "a cop's idea of what people do on acid." Chris Gibbs, one of Richards' guests, said that the cops never kicked down the door, but knocked and were admitted into "a scene of pure domesticity," in which Faithfull was wearing a towel. Faithfull's long, high-profile relationship with Jagger in the '60s no doubt only added grist to the mill. In fairness to the cops, Faithfull admitted to giving them "a quick flash.

J. Edgar Hoover cross-dressed
FBI director J. Edgar Hoover was such a mean son-of-a-bitch it's no surprise that people whispered about him. Rumors that Hoover was gay or a cross-dresser have circulated for decades; one claim comes from Anthony Summers' 1993 biography Official and Confidential: The Secret Life of J. Edgar Hoover. Susan Rosenstiel, the ex-wife of liquor-industry chair Lewis Rosenstiel, claimed she had seen Hoover in a dress, stockings, heels and wig at a party hosted by gadfly lawyer Roy Cohn. This seems fairly unlikely; historian Athan Theoharis notes that anyone as secretive and power-obsessed as Hoover would never have been so blatant about a predilection that could be embarrassing. We may never know the truth.

Prince Harry's father is not Prince Charles
It was clear — and tacitly accepted — that after only a few years of marriage, Prince Charles and Princess Diana were cheating on each other. Prince Harry was born in September 1984, and after the public glimpsed his puglike features and red hair, rumors began to circulate that he was the product of Diana's affair with army officer Major James Hewitt. Diana publicly admitted her liaison in 1995, but insisted that she met Hewitt too late for him to be Harry's father. Hewitt too claims that he first met Diana in May of 1986, when Harry was twenty months old. Simone Simmons, a former close friend of the Princess, wrote Diana: The Last Word, a book serialized in The Sun. In it, she clamed that Diana was forced to carry out paternity tests on both Harry and his brother, Prince William. The tests reportedly showed that both boys were fathered by Prince Charles.

For more visit www.nerve.com/dispatches/nerveeditors/40celebrityrumors/01/

DO WHITE KIDS GET ONE TO???

A REAL PASSPORT.... HOW DOES THAT WORK???

SOLVE THE RIDDLE

Answer: click on comments

TODAYS JOKES

A new bar in Melbourne had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also, like any bartender, engage in appropriate conversation.
A man enters the bar, orders a drink.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then, asks him:
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150."
And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him:
"What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "100."
And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about the Football, Holdens, Beer, Supermodels, etc.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He goes back in, the robot serves him, asks:
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "50."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for John Howard again?"

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for
this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill .
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica .
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica 's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Monica .
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ..basically the same thing.

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where's the rake?".
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back,
"What?".
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said,
"What?".
I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,
"What the hell was that?".
She replied
"EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

TOP TIPS

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA GOERS: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

RED WINE DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES:Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

SPOT THE FROG AGAIN...LOOK CAREFULLY

TODAYS JOKES

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi that was just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing

was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect

man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Lookner for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it hit me right in the bollocks."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have t o do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes hrough three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

“A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

MY NEW REMOTE CONTROL IS PERFECT

SEMI NAKED WOMEN BEHIND MY HOUSE...

At the rear of the house where I live there is a national park, it has always been peaceful, but lately a group of women have been there. I can only assume they are trying to get fit or something, because they keep taking their clothes off. I've had enough, it's not that I am Gay or anything, but please it's not right for young boys to see things like this. I'm going to phone the council and put a stop to it. Anyway, I have taken some photographs to prove to them what is going on.

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RACIAL QUICKIES

Why do Black people have names like something out of the chemists? “My name is Advil, this is my wife Cloret. Hey Tynenol, would you turn down the TV, it’s givin’ me a headache, and these are the twins Murene and Visine….

My friend is a Sicilian, he tells me not all Sicilians are in the mob, some are in witness protection.

There are now reports that France may agree to train Iraqi soldiers. Why? I thought Iraqis already knew how to surrender.

According to the Australian Department of Agriculture, Australians are eating four times as much Chinese food as it did 20 years ago. Well, of course, we have four times as many Chinese people.

Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in Ireland has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none.

Jesus had a Jewish mother. She said "If you don't finish the Last Supper.
You don't get any Last Dessert!"

The Black, Gay, Women's Liberation, Communist Caucus withdrew its invitation for Jane Fonda to address the group, saying the actress was too controversial.

Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest

Opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't now what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE REAL?....DUH!!!

HANDLESS SHOE TYING

FROM A WOMANS POINT OF VIEW

My husband and I used to fight about those nights out with the boys, I don’t know why, it’s not like I did it every night.

I went to a fancy dress party as my mother…. I put on high heels, bad make up and I criticized everyone who spoke to me.

When I was a kid, Halloween was great fun. I used to go out dressed as a tramp…. High heel shoes, short skirts and fishnet stockings.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, how about cheap and baldy.

When it came to lovemaking, what my husband lacks in size, he makes up for in speed.

I fall in love far too easily; the last guy couldn’t handle it. I’m like “I love you, I’m willing to move into your place, I want your children.” He’s like “Thanks lady, but could you please just give me the $10 for the pizza, and I’ll be going”.

I’m a secretary, on a good day I type 95 words a minute, on a bad day, I turn up drunk dressed in my pyjamas.

I discovered that there are things you should teach a two year old child, like don’t touch a hot stove, don’t pull lamps off tables and definitely don’t wake Mummy before Noon.

I’ve got fat knees, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I’ve reached the age where my biological clock is giving me the finger.

I was in the supermarket, when I saw a sign saying FEMININE NEEDS. “At last” I said, “A shop that sells handsome, well hung guys, who call when they say they will, and know how to cook”.

NEW DRINKING WORDS

DE-BONED - To become so drunk you appear not to have any skeletal structure to hold you up.

DEJA BOOZE - When an infrequently enjoyed drink reminds you of the last time you enjoyed it. As in, “This margarita reminds me of when I was partying in Tijuana, just before I vomited on myself, picked a fight with the bartender and got thrown in the clink. Good times, good times.”

DRINK SHRINK - Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.

FUGLY BUS - The mysterious bus that whisks away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their beautiful cousins while you’re in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.

JUMPING ON THE GRENADE - When two groups of the opposite sex meet, one member “jumps on the grenade” by talking to (or possibly sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to ensure the success of the rest of the group.

KAMIKAZE EYES - The look a drunk gets when he spies someone he always hated but never had the guts to fight. Until now.

PAVEMENT PIZZA - Vomit on the sidewalk, often found outside bars.

SKINFLINT SPRINT - The fast walk a departing patron employs after he’s left the cocktail waitress a less-than-generous tip on the table.

ALCOHEIMERS. the inability to remember what happened while drinking the night before.

BARF-LIES. post-vomiting affirmations that you will never drink again.

HALFWAY TO HEAVINGTON . half drunk.

HURDLING IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. to trip over furniture while drunk.

NIGHTINGALE . someone who nurses a drink for an extended period of time; a reference to the legendary nurse Florence Nightingale.

SOCIAL LUBRICANTITUS . the inability to enjoy an event without the presence of alcohol.

STRANGE PICTURES 1

HAVE A GAME OF BULLSHIT

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Monotone voices burbling on and on like a creek for hours on end, forcing you to look for the nearest sharp object or length of wire to end it all. Here's a way to change all of that...

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy	strategic fit	core competencies	best practice	bottom line
take that off-line	24/7	out of the loop	benchmark	revisit
value-added	proactive	win-win	think outside the box	fast track
result-driven	empower	knowledge base	solution	touch base
mindset	client focus	paradigm	game plan	leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

CHRISTMAS LETTER FROM MY MUM

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry.
I'm just fine considering
I can't breathe or eat.
The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,
thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card,
which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.
God knows their mother never buys them anything nice.
They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy.
I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.
Which reminds me ; we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good
funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services
all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that
woman you live with would have never let you come.
I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now.
I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off
and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because
I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.
Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is
the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.
Love,

Mom

TODAYS JOKES

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and looks in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life.
"Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10, why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives,...
He skipped the rest of the description, and saw PRICE: 50 Cents "Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....

Which, now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

A recent study found that the type of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.
Fascinating...............

The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears.
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me..!"

Bill and Alice decided that the only way they could manage a little romance with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Smiths are in the bedroom having a fuck.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father yelled.

“Because Tommy Smith is standing out on the balcony too!”

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY....I DON'T THINK SO!!!

QUICKIES

I said to my wife, I want to try anal sex. She said “Sure, just turn around, you can be first”.

Our daughter said in her sex education class, the teacher used a cucumber to demonstrate the correct way to put on a condom. I was shocked, but my wife’s only comment was “a cucumber…… girl are you gonna be disappointed”.

I asked my girlfriend what she fantasized about when we were having sex. She said she didn’t have enough time to fantasize.

I think my wife is having an affair…… She broke her ankle in the glove box of her car.

The first time, I ever got undressed in front of a woman was horrible. I slipped off my shirt, dropped my pants to my ankles and seductively removed my Y-fronts. She started screaming, and then they kicked me off the bus.

I’ve taken up karate. I can now break my hand in half, just by hitting a brick.

I now save money, by not going skiing, I just stand in my freezer while my wife smacks me across the face with tree branches, then I fall head first onto the kitchen floor.

I recently became born again. It was a glorious and wonderful experience. Mind you it wasn’t a lot of fun for my mother.

I discovered Zen Buddhism; it teaches you the art of thinking and doing nothing. Last week I got fired for being a Zen Master.

My neighbour was a bigot and a compulsive bed wetter. He used to go to Ku Klux Klan meetings in a rubber sheet.

A FLOW CHART TO HELP MEN SELECT THEIR CLOTHES

MUM SAID IT WOULD MAKE ME GO BLIND....

LUV A DUCK

THANKS TO http://www.bulletinboardforum.com/

A TRUE LOVE STORY IN FOUR EASY STEPS

WORLDS BEST DIVORCE LETTER

World's Best Divorce Letter

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she'snot hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan

Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

TERROR TEE SHIRT

I'm not sure about this, but it probly says a lot about the world we live in.



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