Ninja!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

PERFECT PHOTOGRAPHY


Over the course of eighteen years, Mark Story photographed people who had lived past the ripe old age of 100. The resulting portraits and profiles can be seen on his site. Beautiful.


108 year-old

American man of English descent.
He grew up on a Montana ranch
that he later inherited
from his father,
who lived to 101.
He had 1,500 head of cattle
and rode Kentucky-bred horses.
Fifty years ago
he liked to drink whiskey and gamble.
Now he's into fitness;
at 102 he was still doing
thirty push-ups a day.
He walks a mile to church every Sunday
in his black cowboy boots,
white suit, pink tie
and Stetson hat.

"I don't drink, smoke or chase women;"
he says, "they chase me."






102 year-old
Chinese woman who had lived her entire life in the same mud house, which stood behind the Beijing Hotel. She spoke of living through the rule of China's last Emperor, the Boxer Rebellion, two World Wars and the Communist Party's rise to power. She was afraid her home was going to be torn down because the hotel was expanding.











90 year-old

Navajo Native American man
who spent much of his life
working for the railroad in Arizona.













www.markstoryphotography.com/tns.php

THE PRINCES ON THE WAY HOME FROM DIANA'S CONCERT

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

BOOB LOVERS




MEN ARE STUPID




OLD ONE, BUT I LOVE IT......

GOOD LOOKING DAY

LIVERPOOLS FIXTURES 2007-2008

LIVERPOOL

2007-08

FIXTURE GUIDE

AUGUST

11 Aston Villa (A)

15 West Ham (H)

18 Chelsea (H)

25 Sunderland (A)

SEPTEMBER

1 Derby (H)

15 Portsmouth (A)

22 Birmingham (H)

29 Wigan (A)

OCTOBER

6 Tottenham (H)

20 Everton (A)

27 Arsenal (H)

NOVEMBER

3 Blackburn (A)

10 Fulham (H)

24 Newcastle (A)

DECEMBER

1 Bolton (H)

8 Reading (A)

15 Man Utd (H)

22 Portsmouth (H)

26 Derby (A)

29 Man City (A)

JANUARY

1 Wigan (H)

12 Middlesbrough (A)

19 Aston Villa (H)

29 West Ham (A)

FEBRUARY

2 Sunderland (H)

9 Chelsea (A)

23 Middlesbrough (H)

MARCH

1 Bolton (A)

8 Newcastle (H)

15 Reading (H)

22 Man Utd (A)

29 Everton (H)

APRIL

5 Arsenal (A)

12 Blackburn (H)

19 Fulham (A)

26 Birmingham (A)

MAY

3 Man City (H)

11 Tottenham (A)

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

ELEPHANTS NEVER FORGET...


In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.




Probably wasn't the same elephant.

I LOVE A SUNBURNT COUNTRY...

It's the middle of winter here, so I thought I would just put on a couple of paintings to remind us of what a great place we live in.



If you want to see more click here
www.redbubble.com/people/lisalorenz

Monday, July 09, 2007

VIAGRA

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...


Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.

What absolute bliss!

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A STAY IN HOSPITAL

HOW TO PREPARE FOR YOUR FIRST HOSPITAL STAY


1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the gardener to probe you with his weedkiller applicator.


2. Drink a can of Dulux One-Coat, Interior Flat White. Then ask your child to stuff his slinky toy down your throat.


3. Put an estate agent's 'Open House' sign in your front garden and lie on your bed dressed in paper napkins with straws stuck up your nose.


4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practising your smile and repeating the words: "mild discomfort."


5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a crosshead screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.


6. Remove all actual food from the house.


7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung between yourself and a coat rack, walk slowly up and down the hall.


8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS AT THE BEACH

A COUPLE OF TRICKS FOR YOUR MIND




First one:

Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae.The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
if you can raed tihs rpsoet it.


Second One:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the F’s in that sentence. Count them ONLY
ONCE; do not go back and count them again. Then scroll to the bottom to see the
fun part.










There are six F’s in the sentence.

  • One of average intelligence finds three of them.
  • If you spotted four, you’re above average.
  • If you got five, you can turn your nose at most
    anybody.
  • If you caught six, you are a genius.

There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The human
brain tends to see them as "V’s" instead of "F’s"