Ninja!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

SECRET WOMEN'S BUSINESS


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
Faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee,
So they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so
She thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend,
However, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want
To ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that
Had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next Day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and
Innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband
And said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop.
I'm starting To suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'
'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card
Stuck in her arse that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
Never forget you. '

CHAIN LETTER FROM BILLY CONNELLY


Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
kill me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.



Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.

Thanks to Mike Molloy

LETTER FROM GRANDMA

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store

and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day

because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,

followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that
followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,

just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,

and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus

because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have notice d.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking

like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

'For the love of God! '

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling

at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there

because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way

with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson

in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or

something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii ,

so I leaned out the wind ow and gave him the good luck sign

right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,

but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters

grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had
to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Thanks Mike Molloy

BUY OR RENT

The math’s on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during

their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.


This is Heather.


On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with

a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

This is Kristen.


Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid

$7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing,

never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!),

no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done,

and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes renting makes far more sense.

BRAVE MAN JOKES


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to London I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

20 HISTORICAL FACTS YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW

1. Before the Boston Tea Party, the British actually lowered tea taxes, not raised them.

2. England’s King George I was actually German.

3. Abel Tasman “discovered” Tasmania, New Zealand and Fiji, on his first voyage, but managed to completely miss mainland Australia!

4. Ethnic Irishman Bernardo O’Higgins was the first president of the Republic of Chile.

5. Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on the same day - the 50th anniversary of the U.S. Declaration of Independence.

6. When the American Civil War started, Confederate Robert E. Lee owned no slaves. Union general U.S. Grant did.

7. Kaiser Wilhelm II, Tsar Nicholas II and George V were all grandchildren of Queen Victoria.

8. Karl Marx was once a correspondent for the New York Daily Tribune.

9. Josef Stalin once studied to be a priest.

10. Henry Kissinger and Yassir Arafat won the Nobel Peace Prize. Gandhi never did.

11. The Constitution of the Confederate States of America banned the slave trade.

12. The Finnish capital of Helsinki was founded by a Swedish king in 1550.

13. The “D” in D-Day stands for “Day” - “Day-Day”

14. There was a New Australia in Paraguay in the 1890s.

15. A New Orleans man hired a pirate to rescue Napoleon from his prison on St. Helena.

16. Like Dracula (Vlad Tepes), there really was a King Macbeth. He ruled Scotland from 1040 to 1057.

17. In 1839, the U.S. and Canada fought the bloodless “War of Pork and Beans”.

18. Despite the reputation, Mussolini never made the trains run on time.

19. The world powers officially outlawed war under the 1928 Kellogg-Briand Pact.

20. Ancient Egypt produced at least six types of beer.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??

ROLLER SKATE UNDER 40 CARS


http://view.break.com/491807 - Watch more free videos

Monday, June 16, 2008

LIVERPOOL FIXTURES 2008-2009

Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Friendly Match
Villarreal v Liverpool, 19:45

Saturday, 16 August 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 23 August 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 30 August 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 13 September 2008
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Man Utd, 15:00

Saturday, 20 September 2008
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Stoke, 15:00

Saturday, 27 September 2008
Barclays Premier League
Everton v Liverpool, 15:00

Saturday, 04 October 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 18 October 2008
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Wigan, 15:00

Saturday, 25 October 2008
Barclays Premier League
Chelsea v Liverpool, 15:00

Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 01 November 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 08 November 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 15 November 2008
Barclays Premier League
Bolton v Liverpool, 15:00

Saturday, 22 November 2008
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Fulham, 15:00

Saturday, 29 November 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 06 December 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 13 December 2008
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Hull, 15:00

Saturday, 20 December 2008
Barclays Premier League
Arsenal v Liverpool, 15:00

Friday, 26 December 2008
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Bolton, 15:00

Sunday, 28 December 2008
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 10 January 2009
Barclays Premier League
Stoke v Liverpool, 15:00

Saturday, 17 January 2009
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Everton, 15:00

Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Barclays Premier League
Wigan v Liverpool, 19:45

Saturday, 31 January 2009
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Chelsea, 15:00

Saturday, 07 February 2009
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 21 February 2009
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 28 February 2009
Barclays Premier League

Wednesday, 04 March 2009
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 14 March 2009
Barclays Premier League
Man Utd v Liverpool, 15:00

Saturday, 21 March 2009
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 04 April 2009
Barclays Premier League
Fulham v Liverpool, 15:00

Saturday, 11 April 2009
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 18 April 2009
Barclays Premier League
Liverpool v Arsenal, 15:00

Saturday, 25 April 2009
Barclays Premier League
Hull v Liverpool, 15:00

Saturday, 02 May 2009
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 09 May 2009
Barclays Premier League

Saturday, 16 May 2009
Barclays Premier League

Sunday, 24 May 2009
Barclays Premier League

NOW THAT'S GOT TO HURT

REAL DIY ELECTRICAL PICTURES





THE CONFUSED EAGLE

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, His darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't Return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes Of mourning he decided that he must get himself another Mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd Have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove And brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all The dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found A very sexy loon and
brought her back to the nest. Again the Sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I Want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he
found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck Back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck Would say was.....

You're thinking I'm a duck, I love to...

Scroll Down



























No the Duck didn't say that....










He said I'm a drake...

You've made a mistake

Sunday, June 15, 2008

LETTER FROM BRUCE

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Bruce , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bruce.

THE POLICEMAN...

RATHER INTERESTING....... CLICK ON THE FRONT COVER



THANKS TO BLAME IT ON THE VOICES

GIFS OF THE WEEK

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JOKES OF THE WEEK

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the light, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the SS Commodore I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Melbourne Storm season tickets. He paid for our house at Portsea. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly mortgage!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side t he husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do, if you were me?" The cabbie replied, "I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"





Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they bolted away. The cop ran after them and managed to catch one of them.
He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass.
"Just then a voice calls out.
"Yoo-hoo officer. I'm over here behind the tree."




Akmed came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."




A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I’m just here to make them some sandwiches."

Two elderly ladies were in the supermarket at a long checkout line.
They were discussing hair care.
Apparently the husband of one of them had a particularly bad case of dandruff.
The other one said,
"My husband used to have that problem until I gave him Head and Shoulders.
And that cured it."
The other one thought for a minute, and with a puzzled look replied,
"How do you give shoulders?"




A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer.
The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass".
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation.
He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!"
Three months later they are in court.
The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes, Sir?"
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."

PICS OF THE WEEK

CLICK PICS TO ENLARGE