Ninja!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

MY DADS JOKES (NORTYGORDY SENIOR)

MY DADS JOKES.... YOU HAD BETTER LAUGH BECAUSE THERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM BELOW!!

Gene Pitney died last week,his family asked the undertaker to make him an oak coffin. The undertaker said it would take two weeks to make in oak, but he could make one in twenty four hours from balsa.

A man went in to a works canteen and the woman asked him what would you like, he said just a sandwich,she said what would you like on your sausage, he said plenty of lipstick please.

A man knocked a prostitute a down with his car.When he asked was she 0K she was yelling she had gone blind. When the police came he explained what had happend but he wasn't sure she was blind maybe she wanted to it look worse than it was. The policeman said I will check, he held three fingers up and asked her how many fingers have I got up, she shouted my god I'm paralysed as well.

A lot of people do not know that President Mugabe is in fact a Yorkshireman if you spell his name in reverse it is EBAGUM

A man was at the checkout in the supermarket,he had one egg,one sausage,one tomatoe and one mushroom.The checkout girl said I bet you live on your own,he said your absolutley right,how did you know that, She said because your an ugly bastard.











Wednesday, April 12, 2006

BENNY HILL'S ERNIE (LIKE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE)

ERNIE

You could hear his knackers pound, as he raced across the ground
And the clatter of his prick, as it swung round and round
As he galloped into Market Street, he had no coat or vest
His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west

Now Ernie fucked a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She said she’d like to try it, he said "I’ll bet you do!"
They said he was too big for her, for she was so small and trim,
But Ernie thrust his chopper, up her dripping little quim.

His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil fucking man,
Called One-Ball-Ted from Teddington, who drove a Condom van,
He tempted her with his featherlite, till he got his end away,
And all Ernie had to offer her, was oats three times a day.

Poor Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!

One day Ted saw Ernie’s cart parked outside Sue’s door,
It drove him mad to find the twat, still there at half past four,
Poor Ted, he could not stand it, it made the bastard sick,
So he smashed all Ernie’s windows in, with a fucking great big brick.

So Ernie ran outside, his eyes fixed on that prick,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his brick,
But Ernie was too fast for him, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,
And a hairy sweaty bollock sent it spinning from his hand.

Sue, she ran between them, and tried to keep them apart,
But Ernie said, "Fuck off, you silly fucking tart",
Then Sue, she looked across to him, and his eyes a filled with lust,
And a size ten spunk ball made him fall, and Ernie hit the dust.

Ernie was only twenty-two, he didn’t want to die,
But now he’s fucking women in the brothel in the sky,
Where ladies are all naughty, and the pricks are big and grand,
And a woman feels unlucky if thrice daily she’s not banged.

But a woman’s needs are many fold, so Sue she slept with Ted,
But strange things happened in the night, as they fucked upon their bed,
Was that trees a rustling? Or maybe even more,
'Twas Ernie’s chopper, a knocking on the door.

They won’t forget Ernie, cause he had the biggest chopper in the west.

WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH THE NEIGHBOURS

We put a spa in our back yard and from that point on, the neighbours think they have an open invitation to use it whenever they please.

The night before last we were trying to enjoy our dinner and all the neighbours were in there making a noise, calling us to come and join them. Can you believe it, they were inviting us to join them in OUR own hot tub!

Then last night I wanted to go to bed early, and they had our back yard light on and were holding a party. "Come on in" they hollered at me. I just wanted to get some shut eye. I was going to say something to them but my wife said no. She didn't want to offend them. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to learn to tolerate their rude behaviour.




NEW IRISH VIRUS

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHERE INVENTIONS COME FROM

THE i POD




THE MOBILE PHONE



PORT_A_LOO


FOOTBALL VIRUSES

Football viruses

Be careful - these are following in the wake of the 'I Love You' virus and are potentially damaging:

The Manchester United virus:
Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1993.

The Man United shirt virus:
This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3
months.

The David Beckham virus:
The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus:
Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus:
Your PC develops a continuous whining noise.

The Van Der Saar virus:
You can't save anything.

The Christian Ronaldo virus:
Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is.

These are less virulent, but still wise to keep an eye on them:

The David James virus:
Your PC will act as though it will save something, but let you down at the last minute.

The Arjen Robben virus:
Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.

The Glenn Hoddle virus:
Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Everton virus:
Makes you think it will go down but presses escape at the last minute.

JOKES OF THE DAY 11/04

Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

Man walks up to a woman in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond"
The woman says "oh don't tell me........James Bond?" The chap says
"No Uni Bond and I'm here to fill your crack?!"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The blonde says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

GRANDMA AND GRANDAD

THIS IS WHY I DON'T GO TO VISIT GRANDMA AND GRANDAD ANYMORE...
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Sunday, April 09, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOD

SUPER FAST THINKING !!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after a Virgin 767 had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS." The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please, come to Gate 14."

With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "Fuck You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".

I RECEIVED THIS THROUGH THE MAIL

TO THE OCCUPIER


This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are really interested in your front lawn. The spring season will soon be upon us.

This is a Fertilize Your Lawn Club and it will not cost you a penny to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn.

You will not be the only one there so don't feel embarrassed. Remove the name at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom, then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns.

You will not get any cash or cheques, but within one week, if the chain is not broken, there will be 9,915 people shitting on your front lawn.

Your reward will come later on in the summer, when you will have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.


DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!

One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn!

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