Ninja!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

RACIST, SEXIST AND AGEIST QUICKIES

Q: What are invisible and smell like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease?
A: Two tits!

Q: When are beer and your mother-in-law at their best?
A: When they're cold, opened up and on the table.

Q: What does the KU KLUX KLAN have in common with anabolic steroids?
A: They both make blacks run like hell

Q: What did the gay sea captain give his boyfriend for his birthday.?
A: A tug

Q: What's dangerous and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

Q: What's the Greek army's motto?
A: Never leave you mate's behind.

Q: How do you recognize a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.

Q: What is the great Australian dream?
A: 100,000 Kiwi's swimming home with a Vietnamese under each arm.

Q: Did you hear about Martina Navratilova's new book?
A: It's called how I licked all them cunts at Wimbledon.

Q: What's Rodeo Sex?
A: It's where you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand, and then try to hang on, as you whisper.in her ear: "Your sister likes it this way, too."

Q: What did the Maori woman say while having sex with ET?
A: CUM-E-T-CUM-E-T-CUM!

A LETTER FROM YOUR POWER COMPANY

Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike.

But it should be noted that you have no choice.

We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice.

We have the power, you need the power.

So sad, too bad. It sucks to be you.

We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.

Have a nice day and keep those payments coming, loser!


Your Local Power Company

President,

Dewy Cheatom

THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY..... BUT AREN'T




DOGGONE CRAZY






EARTHS POPULATION

If Earth's population was shrunk into a village of just 100 people with all the human ratios existing in the world still remaining what would this tiny, diverse village look like? That's exactly what Phillip M. Harter, a medical doctor at the Stanford University School of Medicine, attempted to figure out. This is what he found.

57 would be Asian.
21 would be European.
14 would be from the Western Hemisphere.
8 would be African.
52 would be female.
48 would be male.
70 would be nonwhite.
30 would be white.
70 would be non-Christian.
30 would be Christian.
89 would be heterosexual.
11 would be homosexual.
6 people would possess 59 percent of the entire world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing.
70 would be unable to read.
50 would suffer from malnutrition.
1 would be near death.
1 would be pregnant.
1 would have a college education.
1 would own a computer.

Think of it this way. If you live in a good home, have plenty to eat and can read, you are a member of a very select group.

And if you have a good house, food, can read and have a computer, you are among the very elite.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are fortunate, more than three billion people in the world can't.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful... you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

TODAYS JOKES

A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts.

The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.

On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar.

The bartender said, "YES! The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts.

The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage slowly dragging his card table.

The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here, with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"

The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be..."


One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises
and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.



A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.

The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender

Shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head

In amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

HERE'S A GOOD IDEA

How to prepare for having your wallet stolen


Life, Money, Personal Finance

What do you do if your wallet gets stolen? How do you make sure that all of your cards are not used and abused? Well, if you have prepared yourself for such and incident, you can minimize the damage.

Here's what you do. Take out everything in your wallet and make a photo copy, front and back of everything. Keep this photocopy in a safe place, a safety deposit box or in home safe. If you wallet is stolen, you will have all the information you need to cancel all your cards.

ANTI PROPAGANDA POSTERS






LOTS MORE HERE http://homepage.mac.com/leperous/PhotoAlbum1.html

BEFORE ABBA THERE WAS.....




Monday, May 29, 2006

HOW TO GREET YOUR HUSBAND

How to Greet your Husband

This one's for the ladies


to show them a wonderful way to
keep

that special spark alive in your
marriage.

If you greet your husband


at the front door like this every
night

when he comes home from a long hard days work,

all your troubles will disappear.
:
:
:
:
:
:

MOTHERHOOD

PRICELESS




MY NEW JEWISH GIRLFRIEND

Sunday, May 28, 2006

LUCKY SKYDIVER... YOU BE THE JUDGE???

Is this guy the luckiest or unluckiest skydiver in the world.... click here and make your own mind up www.glumbert.com/media/skydive.html