Ninja!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

JOKES FOR THE PUB

“And will there be anything else, sir ?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

“No thank you.” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “And would you like me to get anything for your wife ?” he asked.

“Yeah ! That’s a good idea.” the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”



Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Hamish.

“I’ve got everything organized already:

the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Dougal nods approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Hamish.
“A kilt?” exclaims Dougal.

“That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that. And what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” says Hamish,

“I imagine she’ll be in white.”




Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?” the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."




A woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she
would be "satisfied."
The woman, somewhat dubious, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they fucked better than ever before.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and an hour later they get stuck into it again.
This time with more passion than the night before.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answers
the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead,
My Sister is pregnant; my arsehole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling
'Here kitty, kitty.'"




A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."



One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on

the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?."




Three drinking buddys meet in their local pub.one says to the others "How the hell were we so unlucky to all marry such sarcastic women? Tell you what, lets put a stop to it right now. When we all go home we should do whatever our wives say,however sarcastic". They all agree to meet the next night to see how things went...
The next night all three are sat in the pub each with a box on their lap.
The first guy opens his box and inside theres a dead labrador dog. One of his friends says "what happened?"
The guy explains, "well when I got in I tripped over the dog and my wife said why dont you kill the poor animal!!So I did."
The next guy opens his box,inside of which is a load of smashed cutlery. He goes on to explain that when he got in he made himself a sandwich but dropped and smashed the plate and his wife said, "why dont you smash the bloody lot?" So he did...
The final guy opens his box and inside is a load of blood and gore. The others cringe and tell him to shut the box. His mate asks him what happened and he explains... "Well,when I got in my wife had gone to bed and I was feeling a bit horny so I climbed into bed behind her, slipped my finger in her pussy and she said "you can cut that out when you like"

MARIAH CAREY'S KEN LEE

AS SEEN ON BULGARIAN IDOL.


IRISH MONKEY DANCE

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER THREESOME

Monday, March 17, 2008

REAL BREAKDANCING

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FAMOUS SONS AND THEIR MUMS

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WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?




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Of course it's just a lamp..
.

STOP IT BONO

OOH... THAT'S GOT TO HURT

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WHAT DOES MUMMY DO FOR A LIVING....?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

TO THE GUY SCREWING MY WIFE...

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are.

Yes I know.

No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get annoying.

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason, my 5 year old son belives if its not there, he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot?

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentaly challenged.

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and the Gas Board are putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving r that I rarely have time for (soccer
her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner
has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual at dinner and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

THINGS THAT MAKE MEN PROUD...

Things that make Men proud of themselves

There are a lot of things that us men do that are just plain awesome. We are without doubt cool as fuck, and it’s things like these that reinforce this in our own heads.

  1. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. If you don’t have one of these, get one asap. And some paint to stir. The piece of wood must always have paint to about halfway up it from the last time you used it.

  2. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - “A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?” And intuitively knowing which way to turn when using a screwdriver, wrench or any other tool.

  3. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

  4. OPENING JARS - She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.

  5. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ - Especially policemen but even saying it to kids makes you the man. Or “boy”, that works too.

  6. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, I’ve got a knife…

  7. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

  8. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You’re hard.

  9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. “Big night?” Grr, what does it look like.

  10. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt?”… “Nah”.

  11. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment’s eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it says, “but someone’s got to keep the kids in line”.

  12. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. And examining the contents of another man’s shed, knowing that your power tools are both bigger and better.

  13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.

  14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

  15. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?

  16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.

  17. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

  18. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off? Nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage”.

  19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car’s got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

NEVER TRY TO STEAL THE QUEEN'S POT NOODLE

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DEAR MRS.NORTY

Dear Mrs. Norty,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and,
when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.

Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.
Act like one.

MUSLIM HUMOUR

FUNNY CHURCH MOMENTS

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