Ninja!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

SEXISM EXAM

Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES

Time allowed 3 hrs. Attempt all questions.

Section A (50%)

Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:

  1. Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style
  2. What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.
  3. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
  4. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.
  5. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it.
  6. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all Feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
  7. Compare and contrast video lesbians with those have encountered in real life.
  8. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mate’s house while his parents were away for the weekend. Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.
  • White Water Shafting
  • Three Into One Will Go
  • King Dong
  • Speared by Zulu Lovers

Section B (50%)

  1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require?. What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits?. Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.
  2. Name something a woman has invented.
  3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.
  4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.
  5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"

Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

MARRIAGE CONTRACT FOR WOMEN

Marriage Contract For Women

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. EVEN, IF I WASN'T THERE.

Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A LOT.

Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially, ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.

Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met, or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

STARBUCKS ........ ROBBING BASTARDS

Starbucks is the best example of a phoney status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10 times as much for because there are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's $2. But at Starbucks, Café Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?

Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If it's Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon?

It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - $2, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop; they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, and you want more?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $350. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it.

If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call the manager. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The bean is in your head. And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools you ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two.

Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there are 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighbourhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same as Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? But a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can knock down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents.

At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $3.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here."

Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money. Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.

They don't give you a waiter. Now you've become the cleaner. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge 2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished," Would you say to me, "that's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanatorium. Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi bastard son-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

ONE LINERS FOR THE PUB

I was born in Liverpool; with a precious gift. Dame Nature stooped over my cot and gave me this gift. It was the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.



Aliens are abducting men with big dicks----you lot will be fine but im just writing to say goodbye.




Women can be so cruel, my girlfriend found out I was screwing someone else. So she went and told my wife.



Being in love can be the best two and a half days of your life.



I gave a tramp money in the street, my mate said “that’s stupid, he’ll only spend it on beer and cigarettes”. I said “what did you think I was going to buy with it”?



Men only have two feelings, hungry or horny….. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.



I went to the doctors and said my penis is burning, he said that’s because someone is talking about it.



Condoms aren’t as safe as you think. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.



Never pick a fight with an ugly person…. They have got nothing to lose.


GENUINE COUNCIL COMPLAINTS

Council complaints from around the UK
Genuine clips from council complaint letters


1 My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

2 He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore

3 It’s the dogs mess that I find really hard to swallow

4 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

5 I wish to complain that my father has hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

6 And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

7 I wish to complain that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8 My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand

9 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall

10 Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesturday and now she is pregnant

11 I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy

13 I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers

14 The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

15 Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink

16 Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces

17 I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me

18 The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

19 Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it

20 I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you pleased do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21 Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

22 I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction

23 This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get