Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
COPY CARS FROM CHINA... IT HAD TO HAPPEN
OUCH
No Running in the House!
How many times have we been told...and told our children NOT to run in the house? Did we always listen? Do they listen? Not always.
Sometimes our seemingly futile efforts fail, and 'boo-boo's' happen.
Here is a little feller who didn't listen, and he got his own souvenir scars. Perhaps he'll learn from his mistake.
Doesn't look SO bad. Perhaps he should keep this next photo handy
to explain the way it happened - - - -
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Wednesday, July 23, 2008
WHAT IS HELL
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world to day.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives us two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Monday, July 21, 2008
THIS IS SERIOUSLY BRILLIANT
1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:
http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE
3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE
(Skip your e-mail address.)
4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens.
Don't ask me how they do that!
Thanks to Mike Molloy
HOW DO I FIX.......
From repairing your mechanical clock to your wooden furniture and from your electric tooth brush to your coffee grinder.
CLICK THE LOGO
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Schoolboys disciplined for 'refusing to pray to Allah'
Two schoolboys were allegedly disciplined after refusing to kneel down and "pray to Allah" during a religious education lesson.
It was claimed that the boys, from a year seven class of 11 and 12-year-olds, were given detention after refusing to take part in a practical demonstration of how Allah is worshipped.
Yesterday parents accused the school of breaching their human rights by forcing them to take part in the exercise.
One, Sharon Luinen, said: "This isn't right, it's taking things too far. I understand that they have to learn about other religions. I can live with that but it is taking it a step too far to be punished because they wouldn't join in Muslim prayer.
"Making them pray to Allah, who isn't who they worship, is wrong and what got me is that they were told they were being disrespectful."
Another parent Karen Williams, 38, whose 12-year-old daughter is a classmate of the boys, said: "I am absolutely furious my daughter was made to take part in it and I don't find it acceptable.
"The teacher had gone into the class and made them watch a short film and then said 'we are now going out to pray to Allah'.
"Then two boys got detention and all the other children missed their refreshments' break."
She added: "Not only was it forced upon them, my daughter was told off for not doing it right.
"They'd never done it before and they were supposed to do it in another language."
She said the pupils were asked if they had water on them, and when one girl produced a bottle, the teacher began washing her feet with it.
Her husband Keith, 44, a painter and decorator, said: "The school is wonderful but this one teacher has made a major mistake. It seems to be happening throughout society. People think they can ride roughshod over our beliefs and the way we live."
The alleged incident, at the Alsager school, one of Cheshire's top performing schools, happened on Tuesday afternoon. The teacher, Alison Phillips, the school's subject leader in RE, is understood to be staying away from the school until the furore dies down, although she has not been suspended.
She is said to have got prayer mats out of the cupboard and also asked children to wear Islamic headdresses.
Deputy headmaster Keith Plant said: "I have spoken to the teacher and she has articulately given me her version of events."
Sources at the school said the incident could have been down to Miss Phillips instigating a role play and not properly briefing the pupils, all aged around 12, what she was doing.
A spokesman for Cheshire County Council said they were investigating. He added: "The headteacher contacted the authority immediately complaints were received. Enquiries are being made into the circumstances as a matter of urgency and all parents will be informed accordingly.
"Educating children in the beliefs of different faiths is part of Cheshire's diversity curriculum on the basis that knowledge is, of course, is essential to understanding.
"We accept that such teaching has to be conducted with commonsense and sensitivity."
FROM www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2247388/Schoolboys-disciplined-for-%27refusing-to-pray-to-Allah%27.html
QUICK JOKES ABOUT WOMEN
According to "Modern Bride" magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, "Yeah, that sounds good."
According to a survey on Match.com, 37% of single people think splitting the bill is okay on a dinner date. The other 63% were women.
"Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Married and Unmarried."
"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of most women. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses."
"No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing."
When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.
I've had more women --- than MOST people --- have noses.
I saw an ATTRACTIVE woman in a bar & I said, "Your glass is empty. Do you want ANOTHER one?"
She said, "What am I going to do with 2 empty glasses?"
According to a new study at
"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable."
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
I'm going out with a homeless woman now. That's great - after a date you can drop her off anywhere.
Question: What is the best way to pick up a girl in a gym?
Answer: Pull-ups. You pull-up in a Porsche, pull up in a corvette...
I don't think women's lib has changed anything. At least that's what my
Ten Things that Men Know about Women
1 They have pussies
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 Oh yes, they have tits as well
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
The reason women don’t play football, is because you can’t get eleven of them to appear in public in the same outfit.
Women say they prefer men, to have a sense over humour over good looks. Liars, who would you, rather have removing your bra……. Brad Pitt or the Three Stooges.
I’m going to open a brothel for women only. This is how it works. You come in and pay your money. The guy will pretend he likes talking to you, and is really interested in the fight you had with your mother on the phone. Then he puts his arms around you, and says “Wow, you’re so thin, have you lost weight?” Then he makes mad passionate love to you, and just at the moment of climax, he shouts out “I can’t believe how great your shoes match your dress”.
JOKES OF THE WEEK
Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to me to go to
Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."
Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, "Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play."
"But mum" wailed the child, "There's no one to play with."
"OK," said the mother wearily, "I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
"Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed."
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father's fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Seeing him standing there, the mother asked, "Now what do I do?"
The boy answered, "Get your arse out of bed, you lazy bitch, go downstairs and fix that kid some fucking ice cream!"
My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?"
I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That's not a crossroads, you silly cow, that's a T-Junction"
I was away on a business trip and had to stay in a hotel for a couple days. Unfortunately, it was my wife's birthday while I was away. So I thought I'd surprise her with a dirty birthday phone call.
I rang my home number and this voice said hello, so I quickly said, "I really love your sexy body and gorgeous pert breasts. Tomorrow I'm going to rip your knickers off, give you the best oral sex you've ever had, then I'll cover you in melted chocolate before licking it off slowly, then we'll have the most passionate steamy sex you've ever known! How does that sound babe?"
"It sounds fantastic, but to get an outside line you have to dial 9..."
I don't usually watch these sort of programmes on TV, but the today I thought I'd give it a go.
Basically I've just sat for 2 hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, gay, bisexual, perverted, drunken and blind morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality.
They spend all day lounging around the house without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public.
And at the end of this brain numbing bullshit, I was still no closer to deciding who I should vote for....
Labour or Conservative?
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. "What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?" she asked. "It paid fortune?" "Shit", he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"
Saturday, July 19, 2008
WHAT IS GLOBALIZATION
Finally,
a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess
Diana’s
death.
Question:
How come?
Answer :
An
English princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend
crashes
in a French tunnel,
driving a
German
car
with a
Dutch engine,
driven
by a Belgian
who was
drunk
on
Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),
followed
closely by
Italian
Paparazzi,
on
Japanese motorcycles;
treated
by an American doctor,
using
Brazilian
medicines.
This is
sent to you by
an
American,
using
Bill Gates’s technology,
and
you’re probably reading
this on your computer,
that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and
a
Korean
monitor,
assembled
by
Bangladeshi
workers
in a
Singapore plant,
transported
by Indian
lorry-drivers,
hijacked
by Indonesians,
unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,
and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals…. .
.
.
.
.
.
That, my friends,
is what I call Globalization!
Friday, July 18, 2008
FANCY DRESS PARTY
Hope this gives you a chuckle on an otherwise dreary morning! . . . . .
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
BEER TESTER
For the true and discriminating aficionado, a glass of the finest beer should only be partaken if it is the correct temperature. The subtle nuance of the melded grains..... The fragile and fleeting taste of the brewers art..... Can only be truly appreciated if that golden elixir is properly chilled.
To this end, advanced studies candidates in the Graduate Engineering Department of Michigan Tech have developed an easily used fully portable Beer Temperature Tester which easily indicates whether the beverage is acceptably chilled or not. To test the beer, simply insert the tester into the glass.
V
V
V
V
V
V
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After the tester has been immersed for a period of no less than fifteen seconds, remove both probes and observe the indication.
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| The beer on the left is the correct temperature. |
thanks to Mike Molloy
Sunday, July 13, 2008
ASK MRS. NORTY
Dear Mrs. Norty,
I have been married for 15 years and so still have ten years to go before I can divorce my husband and get the house mortgage-free. At the start of our relationship we had an active and healthy sex life but thankfully, since the kids were born, he has found it increasingly hard to maintain himself in an upright position for take-off and landing. Up until recently I was perfectly happy with this situation, but now one of my boyfriends has got a job on the rigs while another has signed up as a long-distance lorry driver. If I can’t pick-up anyone down the pub I sometimes have to go for two or three days without sex.
Out of desperation I pointed out to my husband that watermelons have the same stimulating properties as Viagra and he agreed to try one out. However, he enjoyed it so much that he has moved it into our bed and asked me to sleep in the spare room because I am putting him off. He says if he leaves it in the microwave for a few seconds first it feels better than the real thing, or his sock.
Sammi
Salisbury.
Mrs Norty says: Dear Sammi,
A lot of men are turned on by fruit and vegetables, mainly because they do not demand a pair of shoes and a trip to the hairdressers every time you peel off their outer layers. Maybe you should incorporate his interest in this area into your love-making? Next time he’s about to sneak off to his study to look at the Tesco website tell him to bring the laptop into the lounge and the pair of you can look at it together. I know a lot of people claim that women do not respond to pornography in the same way as men but my heart certainly starts to race a bit when I see a picture of a nice, firm courgette. However, steer clear of the marrows as they will only remind you of what you are missing. If none of this works try turning up the power on the microwave. It will not do anything for your love life but it will boil the end of his privates, which will be a laugh.
Dear Mrs. Norty,
I have been married for 20 years and my husband has completely lost interest in sex. So much so that I do not have to smear my face in nightcream or sellotape a bit of string to my inside privates to stop him from clambering aboard at the weekend and see-sawing away like an arthritic duck. However, last Friday, instead of getting our traditional takeaway, he burst into the front room naked, said we needed to do something to spice up our love life, smeared his pork kebab with some Patak’s Original Balti Paste and asked me for a go in my tandoori oven. I was outraged. He knows I’m more of a Tikka Mahkni girl. Nevertheless, I’m ashamed to say I found the whole thing quite stimulating. I think it must be the coriander as he still doesn’t really touch the sides, if you catch my drift. Clearly he thinks the same as now he’s demanding I let him put his shashlik in my aloo chat. Isn’t that illegal?
Navneeta,
Norwich
Mrs Norty says: Dear Navneeta,
Offering up your aloo chat to the man in your life can be a wonderfully intense experience, or so I am told by some demented perverts, but in my experience it is much more likely to make your nose bleed and leave you walking like John Wayne for a week. If he tries anything like that again I would grab hold of his shashlik, smear it with some Vindaloo and then make a run for it while his eyes are watering. Lock yourself in the bathroom and call the Police. Of course it’s illegal. You don’t live in Wales!
Thanks to www.thedailymash.co.uk
