JOKES OF THE WEEK

Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."

Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, "Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play."
"But mum" wailed the child, "There's no one to play with."
"OK," said the mother wearily, "I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
"Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed."
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father's fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Seeing him standing there, the mother asked, "Now what do I do?"
The boy answered, "Get your arse out of bed, you lazy bitch, go downstairs and fix that kid some fucking ice cream!"

My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?"
I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That's not a crossroads, you silly cow, that's a T-Junction"

I was away on a business trip and had to stay in a hotel for a couple days. Unfortunately, it was my wife's birthday while I was away. So I thought I'd surprise her with a dirty birthday phone call.
I rang my home number and this voice said hello, so I quickly said, "I really love your sexy body and gorgeous pert breasts. Tomorrow I'm going to rip your knickers off, give you the best oral sex you've ever had, then I'll cover you in melted chocolate before licking it off slowly, then we'll have the most passionate steamy sex you've ever known! How does that sound babe?"
"It sounds fantastic, but to get an outside line you have to dial 9..."

I don't usually watch these sort of programmes on TV, but the today I thought I'd give it a go.
Basically I've just sat for 2 hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, gay, bisexual, perverted, drunken and blind morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality.
They spend all day lounging around the house without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public.
And at the end of this brain numbing bullshit, I was still no closer to deciding who I should vote for....
Labour or Conservative?

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. "What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?" she asked. "It paid fortune?" "Shit", he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"