QUICK JOKES ABOUT WOMEN

According to "Modern Bride" magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, "Yeah, that sounds good."

According to a survey on Match.com, 37% of single people think splitting the bill is okay on a dinner date. The other 63% were women.

"Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Married and Unmarried."

"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of most women. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses."

"No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing."

When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.

I've had more women --- than MOST people --- have noses.

I saw an ATTRACTIVE woman in a bar & I said, "Your glass is empty. Do you want ANOTHER one?"
She said, "What am I going to do with 2 empty glasses?"

According to a new study at Duke University, depressed women live longer. Well, that should cheer them up - not only is your life miserable, it's going to go on for a long time.

"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable."

"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."

I'm going out with a homeless woman now. That's great - after a date you can drop her off anywhere.

Question: What is the best way to pick up a girl in a gym?
Answer: Pull-ups. You pull-up in a Porsche, pull up in a corvette...

I don't think women's lib has changed anything. At least that's what my Avon man tells me.

Ten Things that Men Know about Women
1 They have pussies
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10 Oh yes, they have tits as well

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

The reason women don’t play football, is because you can’t get eleven of them to appear in public in the same outfit.

Women say they prefer men, to have a sense over humour over good looks. Liars, who would you, rather have removing your bra……. Brad Pitt or the Three Stooges.

I’m going to open a brothel for women only. This is how it works. You come in and pay your money. The guy will pretend he likes talking to you, and is really interested in the fight you had with your mother on the phone. Then he puts his arms around you, and says “Wow, you’re so thin, have you lost weight?” Then he makes mad passionate love to you, and just at the moment of climax, he shouts out “I can’t believe how great your shoes match your dress”.