POLITICALLY INCORRECT (THEY WILL UPSET EVERYBODY)

My father told me to marry a girl who has the same opinions as my family. Yeah right, like I’m going to marry someone who thinks I’m a lazy arsehole.

Political correctness has gone too far. These days I am expected to get permission off my own wife before I make love to her. Well it seems a shame to wake her up.

I can't fucking stand Mark Lawrenson. If I want someone to constantly interrupt my enjoyment of the football with pointless, witless, ill-informed shite then I'll get a girlfriend.

I remember the best day of my life. In church, friends and family all around, my wife next to me, I turned, kissed her on the cheek, closed the lid and watched her burn.

My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Who’s a little fat piggy then?"

What the fuck is the world coming to? My Mother had her bag stolen this morning, there is piss everywhere...

So they've found a battered Paki in Dewsbury - they'll eat fucking anything, won't they?

What's pink, hard and comes every morning?
The Financial Times cryptic crossword

Ann Summers has brought out a new lubricant called KY Terry.
It's designed to help you slip in the box more easily.

How come the film 'White Men Can't Jump' isn't racist but, when I try to make a film called 'Black Men Can't Get Jobs', I get called a racist?