Sunday, July 06, 2008

TOP TIPS

COOKING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by Australia Post.

HOME MAINTENANCE: You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

WAKING UP: A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

HOME IMPROVEMENTS: If it doesn't fit - get a bigger hammer.

CINEMA GOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

BATHROOM: Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'?" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside department stores with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a dodgem car anyway.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

COOKING: Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.

COLD: If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a Naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto - a warm snack!

HOME MAINTENANCE: If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

YOUNG MOTHERS: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

FEMALE SHOP ASSISTANTS: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

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