JOKES OF THE WEEK

My dad had to go to the hospital. He had a really weird accident, he managed somehow to get a vacuum cleaner stuck up his arse. I phoned the hospital to see how he was going.

I said "is my dad with the vacuum cleaner stuck up his arse there?"

They said: "yes he's here"

I said "how is he?"

They said: “I’m afraid he’s going to dy son”

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Melbourne and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh... yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Sydney." "Oh why, is that where the job's based?" "No, that's where the end of the queue is!"

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any Ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog came back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out There."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back He said, "I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a Fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A young farmer doesn't have the slightest idea about breeding his sheep so, not wanting to display his ignorance, gives the vet a ring, and only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his LandRover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the LandRover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure and then brings them back and goes to bed.
The following morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the LandRover and one of them is beeping the horn.'