VERY NORTY QUICKIES (THEY'LL OFFEND EVERYONE)

91% of people over 60 believe that us kids show less respect to others, than they did in the past.
What do they know, the silly old fuckers.

I heard that a 97 and a 93 year old recently got married………I thought, I can’t see that marriage lasting.

I was in Sainsburys when I saw the sign saying "try something new today. "I thought, ‘that’s a good idea…so I went to Asda”.

I went to the doctors the other day and asked him to have a look at my penis. He lifted one bollock up , then the other. He rolled down the foreskin and looked at the helmet.
"Well, Mr Smith," he said "I can't see anything wrong with that at all."
"I know," I said "It's a fucking beauty, isn't it!"

I'd like to leave this world like I came into it:
Screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood!

Viagra ... Now available in powder form to put in your tea.
Does fuck all for your erections, but it does stop your biscuits going soft!

I think Dawn French is a great actress; which is strange because I don't usually like anything Lenny Henry's been in.

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.

Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to have a chat,

She says to him "I don’t fink I know you, what do you do?"

He says "Every one knows, I do Top Gear"

She says "Fucking brilliant I’ll have 3 grams".

I phoned my mate last night, I said, “Robert I heard you got robbed this morning”
He said “Yeah the robber gave me two choices, either give up your phone or suck my dick”.

I said “Jeez, what did you do?”

He said “Well we’re talking on my phone right now………

Why is my TV remote like the queue in a London benefit office?
It's long, black and doesn't work.

I went for a drink with a girl who’s got bulimia last night. I was a bit worried about mentioning her illness, but once she had a drink down her, she brought it up straight away.

When I was growing up my mum told me there were magic words that could get me anything I wanted. Those words were "please" and "thank you". Now I've grown up I've come to realise there are new magic words that can get you anything you want - be it a free home or money for doing nothing. Those words are "I am a Muslim", and “I am an Asylum Seeker”.