Sunday, May 11, 2008

THE TRUTH ABOUT MUMS

Celebrated around the globe, Mother's Day is an annual holiday honoring the world's online florists. In the United States, Mother's Day is observed on the second Sunday in May, but different countries insist on celebrating it on different days of the year because your moms will never be happy to simply leave well enough alone


Though, like most humans, your mom has an actual date of birth, her life did not truly begin until you, her brilliant child, passed through her birth canal and emerged from her vagina, naked and glistening with amniotic fluid. Every moment of her existence up to that point was merely prelude to your birth, and every moment since has been spent in deference to your needs and desires. Any biographical sketch of your mom would therefore most likely be more about you and your upbringing rather than about specific pre-you events in your mom's life, and really, why bother even asking, because your mom has told you, she's only the person who brought you into this world, who gave you the very gift of life, not that she expects any gratitude or anything. Your mom heaves a heavy sigh as if to say: no, everything's fine, if that's how you really feel, it's your life and she's not going to tell you how to live it, even though your mom hasn't been feeling well lately, but it's probably nothing. Oh, sure, your mom thinks it would be nice if you called, but she knows you're busy. Okay, okay, enough already, your mom, you get it.

As your mom has been known to say many, many, many times, raising children is a full-time job. However, like many your moms, it is very likely that your mom had an additional vocation that did not involve changing her ungrateful offspring's poopy diapers. Because attending to your every need requires a tremendous investment of time and energy, your mom was forced to make sacrifices that involved prioritizing child rearing over dedicating herself to a career.


Having raised you, and therefore having been present to experience every aspect of your cognitive and emotional development, your mom possesses the exquisite dick ability to push exactly those buttons that will most aggravate you. Frequently, this involves transference of guilt to you from your mom over your failure to call, visit, interact with family, earn enough money, finish school and/or obtain an advanced degree, provide grandchildren, or lead a lifestyle similar to Mrs. Weinbach's son down the block, you know, the successful doctor and such a nice boy, too.


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