Thursday, May 01, 2008

HONEST ADVICE

While most are taught from an early age to do their best in life, the possibility exists for others to be remarkably average. To do nothing to stand out from the crowd. To live a life of uneventful, irrelevant, inconsequential insignificance. Others may aspire to move beyond their simple existence, but the bottom line is, you don't because you suck. So you might as well keep lying on the couch.


FAILURE

If you envision failure, failure is sure to come your way. If you envision success, you must be envisioning someone else's success.


LACK OF EFFORT

Effort is measured deep within oneself, not by how others judge you. Only you will truly know how little you care. How little you'll try. And what minimal exertion will be required to accomplish the task at hand. If you don't try, only you will know. And only you will know that you don't care, either.


DEATH

They say that death is hardest for the living. Unless you were an ass or you were a street person, or you were someone really old with no family who talked back to the TV, or you were someone who called other people's houses and tried to sell them new roofs while they were eating dinner, or you were short. In which case, your death really isn't all that hard for the living.


DAYDREAMS

Dreams are for those who envision a better life. Dreams are for those who have hopes and aspirations and goals for the future. Dreams are for those who see a bigger, brighter tomorrow. Daydreams, on the other hand, are for people who should be doing one thing but instead of doing that one thing, they're sitting around thinking about lying on the beach, or having sex with a stranger in an elevator, or shooting their immediate supervisor. So are you a dreamer, or a daydreamer? And if you're a daydreamer, is your immediate supervisor in today?


YOU CAN'T DO IT.

In life, there are those who can and those who cannot. Statistical probability would assume you have a fifty-fifty chance of being someone who cannot. And chances are, if you're on the wrong side of the fifty, your minimal successes have been far outweighed by a multitude of excessive failures. You may aspire to greatness, but greatness does not wish to be associated with you. Rest assured, you are not alone. Many others have failed before you, and many others will continue to fail after you. Yet to you, your failures seem bigger and that much more unsuccessful because they're yours. And in some respects, you're correct.


GIVE UP.

While the most satisfying moments of life are those when hard work results in great reward, the truth is, those moments are so far and few between with someone like you, the effort required to achieve those moments seems somewhat ridiculous. In life, the effort necessary to generate positive results cannot outbalance the effort required to generate the effort itself. A man who understands this conundrum and chooses instead to sacrifice life's positive moments for an existence of relative obscurity is a smart man, indeed. And lazy.


SELFISHNESS

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Remember "me" and you'll never forget that you are Number 1 and everyone else is Number 2. And there's like a Grand Canyon-sized gap between Number 1 and Number 2.


EXTREMELY LOW EXPECTATIONS

Set the bar low and you will always meet your goals. Even better, take the bar off completely.


LYING

You are an amazing human being. You are a spectacular creation of God. If there is a God, you're not that far behind. There has never been someone like you, nor shall anyone ever be worthy to follow in your footsteps. With every step of every day, you never cease to amaze those around you in your superiority. The world bows before you in honor, oh amazing one.

IGNORANCE

Lack of knowledge isn't stupidity. Rather, it's far more difficult to not know many things than it is to know a few random items of senseless information. Is a rocket scientist considered ignorant as to the laws of the trailer park? Is a brain surgeon considered ignorant because he does not know how to grill bratwurst? Is a tax attorney thought to be ignorant simply because he forgot to take his girlfriend's phone number out of his wallet before he got home and his wife saw it? Perhaps. So why, we ask, is it any different for a man who may not know much, but is smart enough to know that he knows very little? There is no such animal as ignorance, friends. Some people are just more stupider than others.


PROCRASTINATION

Sometimes doing things later is better than doing them early. Those who rush to do something oftentimes make hasty decisions. Like the hunter who rifles off a round at a set of antlers off in the distance only to discover it was his brother-in-law wearing that stupid hat again. Damn him and that stupid hat. Patience is a virtue. Does it truly matter if the garbage goes out to the curb this exact second? Why can't I just wait until the garbage truck pulls in front of the house? Does the garbage care? Do the garbagemen care? So then, why do you care? Why do something today what you can do it a week from next Thursday? Why is everyone in such a rush? What's the big hurry? Good things come to those who wait. So plan on waiting longer than anyone's every waited in the history of waiting.


DARE

Dare to be different. Dare to take a path where no other chooses to tread. Dare to collect unemployment for two full years. Dare to be your own man. Dare to be brave. Dare to tell your mother-in-law she's really starting to pack it on. Dare to stand on your own merits. Dare to challenge common beliefs. Dare to tap an old person on the shoulder and act like you didn't do it. Dare.


REST

Rest is your body's way of recharging your energy supply. Rest means not only physical rest, but emotional rest, for the brain needs to reinvigorate, too. And while physical rest is good, psychological rest is even better. Psychological rest is best when your wife is out shopping and you don't have to hear her complain for the next hour or so. Psychological rest rocks.


GOSSIP

Spreading untruths regarding others can lead to unspoken pain. 'Tis far better to say nothing of how your next door neighbor never cuts his grass and his daughter is too fat to dress like a whore and his car's a piece of crap and you heard that his wife cheated on him with the guy who put up the siding on their house. 'Tis far better to say nothing of any of that. Unless someone asks. Then it is not gossip. 'Tis the spoken truth.


THE PATH TO INDIFFERENCE

It's not a straight and narrow road, The Path To Indifference. Often we find ourselves exploring another road, a road filled with hope and promise. Quickly, however, we come to realize that particular road is closed for people like us. People who don't have the money, nor the beauty, nor the desire to try to gain access to that more desired route. So we instead choose another more easily accessible, more traveled path: The Path To Indifference. Also known as Who Gives A Crap Street.


SICKNESS

Behold the joy of illness: "Sorry boss, I've got a bad cough." "I can't come in today, sir. My son has a fever." "I'll try to make it in later, but I'm not sure. I think I've got that 24 hour Aids thing." "Seats behind homeplate for today's game? Hold on, let me call in sick."


IMPOSSIBILITY

They say nothing is impossible. We disagree. Everything is impossible. At least for you. Getting out of your miserable job? Impossible. Getting out of your miserable relationship? Impossible. Getting out of death? Not impossible. Then again, why would you want to do that, given the state of your miserable life? Armed with this knowledge, go out and enjoy the day. That's impossible, you say? Excellent. Now you're starting to get it.


DARKNESS

The next time you have a difficult moment, shut your eyes and stare at the darkness. That's exactly what it will look like when you're dead. Isn't it comforting to know death is nothing more than life with your eyes closed? Doesn't that put you more at peace with the spiritual world? If not, then keep your eyes closed and cross a busy intersection.


LOSERS

Not everyone can win every time. Some rarely win at all. Nevertheless, victory is not always the most important outcome. If you know deep within yourself that you've worked hard and tried your best, but still you came up a bit short, that's not someone who lost. That's someone who with hard work and perseverance, just might win next time. Sure you will. Loser.


EXPECTATIONS

Expect little of yourself, and others will do the same. Thank God.

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