Wednesday, March 26, 2008

LETTER TO THE THAMES VALLEY POLICE

Dear Sir,

I would like to report a THEFT. A friend of mine from Birmingham recently posted me some Class A narcotics in a jiffy bag. The package, sir, never arrived, and I can only assume that a Royal Mail employee has stolen it. These vermin are clearly hiding behind the fact that I cannot complain it without incrimating myself, so they think they are safe.

Well bollocks to it. When one has chosen, as I have chosen, to devote one's life to supplying the British teenager with really good heroin, it is galling to be thwarted at every turn by petty thieves. What am I supposed to tell my customers? They were relying on that heroin to get them through their GCSEs. You are probably thinking, "Oh, so what if a few junkies don't get their drugs." But if you had seen the tears on a child's face, when it has been deprived of its fix, you might not be so thick-skinned.

So instead of mincing around in aprons at your masonic functions, like poncing great pooftahs, why don't you get out into the Post Offices for a change, and crack down on the real criminals? Or are you too busy acting the goat in your shiny new helicopters at $800 an hour?

I'm just glad I don't pay my taxes.

Yours faithfully,

H Hutton

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