Wednesday, March 05, 2008

A LETTER TO ALWAYS MAXI PADS

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years

and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or

Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa

dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach

in tight, white shorts.

But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos, on being the only company smart enough, to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from

'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll

be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with

knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt

Seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers

monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the

bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill

just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken

chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just

crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which, brings me to

the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so

painful wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an

Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these

words:

'HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD.'

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny

Middle - manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing

Happiness, is possible during a menstrual period?

Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin And Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap

A moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say

Something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular

Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective

immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your

Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending

bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

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