ONE LINERS FOR THE PUB

I was born in Liverpool; with a precious gift. Dame Nature stooped over my cot and gave me this gift. It was the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

Aliens are abducting men with big dicks----you lot will be fine but im just writing to say goodbye.

Women can be so cruel, my girlfriend found out I was screwing someone else. So she went and told my wife.

Being in love can be the best two and a half days of your life.

I gave a tramp money in the street, my mate said “that’s stupid, he’ll only spend it on beer and cigarettes”. I said “what did you think I was going to buy with it”?

Men only have two feelings, hungry or horny….. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.

I went to the doctors and said my penis is burning, he said that’s because someone is talking about it.

Condoms aren’t as safe as you think. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person…. They have got nothing to lose.