BENNY HILL'S ERNIE (LIKE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE)

ERNIE

You could hear his knackers pound, as he raced across the ground
And the clatter of his prick, as it swung round and round
As he galloped into Market Street, he had no coat or vest
His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west

Now Ernie fucked a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She said she’d like to try it, he said "I’ll bet you do!"
They said he was too big for her, for she was so small and trim,
But Ernie thrust his chopper, up her dripping little quim.

His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil fucking man,
Called One-Ball-Ted from Teddington, who drove a Condom van,
He tempted her with his featherlite, till he got his end away,
And all Ernie had to offer her, was oats three times a day.

Poor Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!

One day Ted saw Ernie’s cart parked outside Sue’s door,
It drove him mad to find the twat, still there at half past four,
Poor Ted, he could not stand it, it made the bastard sick,
So he smashed all Ernie’s windows in, with a fucking great big brick.

So Ernie ran outside, his eyes fixed on that prick,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his brick,
But Ernie was too fast for him, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,
And a hairy sweaty bollock sent it spinning from his hand.

Sue, she ran between them, and tried to keep them apart,
But Ernie said, "Fuck off, you silly fucking tart",
Then Sue, she looked across to him, and his eyes a filled with lust,
And a size ten spunk ball made him fall, and Ernie hit the dust.

Ernie was only twenty-two, he didn’t want to die,
But now he’s fucking women in the brothel in the sky,
Where ladies are all naughty, and the pricks are big and grand,
And a woman feels unlucky if thrice daily she’s not banged.

But a woman’s needs are many fold, so Sue she slept with Ted,
But strange things happened in the night, as they fucked upon their bed,
Was that trees a rustling? Or maybe even more,
'Twas Ernie’s chopper, a knocking on the door.

They won’t forget Ernie, cause he had the biggest chopper in the west.