TODAY'S QUICKIES

I went to the doctors for a check up and he asked me how I was sleeping.
"Like a baby," I said.
"Good," he replied.
I disagreed. "Waking up every four hours lying in my own piss and shit screaming the house down is not good."

When Madonna first came to England she said she wanted to be more English; she's now an unmarried mother with three kids and one of them is black, how much more English can one get?

Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!

Latest news about the woman with a Hoover nozzle jammed up her fanny, the doctors said although she is still in intensive care she is picking up nicely!!

Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut? Apparantly it happened as a result of a misunderstanding when Playboy Magazine offered Colleen £100,000 to shave her twat.

I went to the midget Olympics in Birmingham last week, my friends think it's sad, that small people should compete against other small people for gold medals….

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a little competition.

A Scottish woman walks into her bedroom & finds her husband simulating sex with his wellie.
"Hamish!" she shouts
"You dirty bastard...Stop fucking aboot!"

I work in a paperless office. I thought it would be great until I went for a shit...

Only in America would they combine a department Alcohol, Tobacco and firearms. I phoned them up and said “what wine do you recommend I drink, when I go shooting my M16 semi- automatic.