Thursday, November 27, 2008

JOKES OF THE WEEK

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special clearance."
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special clearance." Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And doing so draws an even bigger crowd.
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? The woman simply says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm getting screwed!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.





The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this, sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt....so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy...."
And here I am.





Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"





Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of sex with his wife.
Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed,
to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"




A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'.
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.
'Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ..... Three'.




A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered,
"He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
"Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

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