Friday, July 04, 2008


A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks
the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay,
dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St.Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.'

It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.

Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class,and Judy assured him that she was.

The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.

Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.

"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.

Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied,

"Well, I can't rightly say as I know,

'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'

Apparently masturbation is good for you - really, it is!

Sexual relief releases a chemical which stimulates the brain, and in effect is a natural anti-depressant. Scientific researchers reckon that if a person was to masturbate every 2 hours, he would never feel depressed.
So, that got me thinking – I work with a load of Man Utd fans, and they are always really happy, upbeat and jolly people. This tends to prove what we have known all along - they are all a bunch of Wankers.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"I’m not worried about the sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "all you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"
A sudden silence descends.
After a moment, he asks, "anyone got a problem with that?"
The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "and all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!"
Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "you got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no," insists the man, "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."