JOKES OF THE WEEK

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'Okay, thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Western Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son... it's a local call".

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a dozen Fosters stubbies and sticks it into the trolley."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley."What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF FOSTERS AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!"

Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her." "No", said the father. "We’re not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

The farmer replied, "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that!" said the reporter, "is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked the farmer, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

The farmer hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once..."

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small place and moves in. A few days a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. On his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing hens about. Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs." "What do you mean mate?" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs!?"

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me!" replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."