DID I GET THE JOB???

50 THINGS NOT TO SAY AT AN INTERVIEW

#1. “Sorry I’m late. I could have sworn you said ‘San Francisco.’”

#2. [Winking] “Golly, I have no idea how that ten dollar bill just appeared on your desk.”

#3. “Can we wrap this up? I’d really hate to hit rush hour.”

#4. “Just out of curiosity, how long do you caché visited websites?”

#5. “Do me a kindness, and scratch beneath my carpal-tunnel splints?”

#6. “My work ethic is so strong, it’s practically Asian.”

#7. “Let’s try that again, and this time shake my hand like you’ve got a pair.”

#8. “Would it possible to be paid in cash? I’m kind of laying low right now.”

#9. “Do I have any questions? Why, yes I do. What in the hell is this Microsoft Word everyone keeps talking about?”

#10. “You got a bottle opener in that big ol’ fancy drawer?”

#11. “My last boss hid spy-cameras in the crapper. Look me in the eye and promise you won’t do that.”

#12. “Ever seen that Sharon Stone scene in Basic Instinct? Allow me to refresh your memory . . .”

#13. “My motto: Work hard, play hard—or as the Nazis might say, Arbeit Macht Frei.”

#14. “Lemme just finish scooping out this pumpkin, and then I’ll get to your questions.”

#15. “Hold on–almost lost it in my diaper. Ha ha! (whispering) Nerves.”

#16. “Does this DYKE tattoo on my forehead conform with your dress code?”

#17. “Think of me as the Hamburger Helper to your skillet of ground workload.”

#18. “I’m just looking to make one last big score before I get out of the game. And I’d love to do that right here at Applebee’s.”

#19. “Funny, everyone who reads my resume always hones right in on the manslaughter part.”

#20. “What has two thumbs and totally loves commodities trading? This guy!”

#21. “Oh, I see. But it’s fine if a black person like you says it.”

#22. “Before we begin, how fucking hot was Dr. McDreamy last night?”

#23. “Sorry, I have to answer this. Could be a job.”

#24. “Is that a picture of your family? Your wife’s uterus must be totally blown out.”

#25.“If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is it you all do here at NASA?”

#26. “Wouldn’t it be more fun if we conducted this interview on my lap?”

#27. “Help a brother out. I’ve been out of work so long I’ve got blue balls for this gig.”

#28. “Do you have a mint? I’m pretty sure my breath is still stanky from last night’s lovin’.”

#29. “I’m not big on couches. Cool if I cop a squat?”

#30. “You’ve got the body. I’ve got the brains.”

#31. “For my personal reference, is it okay if I only know the guy’s Xbox gamer tag?”

#32. “I bet you’ll be chuffed to know you’d be hiring an extremely skilled knife fighter.”

#33. “I can explain that three-year gap in my employment history with two simple words: H.O.R.D.E. Tour”

#34. “If you Google me, just be forewarned that there’s a sexual predator who happens to share my name and Facebook page.”

#35. “Sure, I value a diverse workplace. Your kind deserves a leg up.”

#36. “I’m just going to apologize in advance for the projectile vomiting. It’s okay–I brought my own sick-bag.”

#37. “What time is it? Four? Shit! Where’s the closest airport?”

#38. “Before we begin, would you mind if I cranked ‘Lose Yourself’?”

#39. “Just out of curiosity, is that sore on my forehead still running?”

#40. “You’re not going to make me take one of those fucking anger management seminars, are you?”

#41. “Mind if I bunk here ‘til I straighten my housing situation out?”

#42. “What part of ‘I’ve never held a job for more than three days’ don’t you understand?”

#43. “Realistically, how much weight can your desk support?”

#44. “As far as long-term goals go, I’d just love to own an electric toothbrush.”

#45. “Can we put this on speakerphone? My lawyer wants to be involved.”

#46. “I think I can best answer that with the following tambourine solo.”

#47. “If I smell like deep-dish pizza, it’s just because I love it so goddamn much.”

#48. “Let’s just cut straight to the chase: who and where is the office slut?”

#49. “I’m assuming you’ll pay me for watching my stories at lunch?”

#50. “My qualifications? Isn’t that one of those prejudicial questions you’re not allowed to ask?”