Monday, May 19, 2008

JOKES OF THE WEEK

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?" exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.





Paddy goes into a store and the assistant convinces him to buy a thermos flask. This flask he says is brilliant it will keep hot things hot and cold things cold. Brilliant I'll take it says Paddy.
Next day in work his workmates ask him what he’s got, Its a Thermos says Paddy it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Wow sounds great say his workmates what have you got in it?
Two cups of tea, and an ice cream.



These two guys are stranded on a deserted island. After many months of nothing, one guy says to the other, "How about we try the anal sex thing? What do you think?" After much thought, the second guy said "OK". So the first guy says, "You bend over, and let me know what you think. If you like it, sing a song; and if you don't like it, make an animal sound."
So then the second guy says, "Moooooo... Mooooooo... Moooooon River"



This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" the guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Tiger Balm

The pharmacist replies, "TIGER BALM?!?!?! You're not going to put Tiger Balm on that are you?"

The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."





This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers...eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."