JOKES FOR THE PUB

“And will there be anything else, sir ?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

“No thank you.” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “And would you like me to get anything for your wife ?” he asked.

“Yeah ! That’s a good idea.” the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”

Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Hamish.

“I’ve got everything organized already:

the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Dougal nods approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Hamish.
“A kilt?” exclaims Dougal.

“That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that. And what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” says Hamish,

“I imagine she’ll be in white.”

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?” the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."

A woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she
would be "satisfied."
The woman, somewhat dubious, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they fucked better than ever before.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and an hour later they get stuck into it again.
This time with more passion than the night before.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answers
the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead,
My Sister is pregnant; my arsehole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling
'Here kitty, kitty.'"

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on

the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?."

Three drinking buddys meet in their local pub.one says to the others "How the hell were we so unlucky to all marry such sarcastic women? Tell you what, lets put a stop to it right now. When we all go home we should do whatever our wives say,however sarcastic". They all agree to meet the next night to see how things went...
The next night all three are sat in the pub each with a box on their lap.
The first guy opens his box and inside theres a dead labrador dog. One of his friends says "what happened?"
The guy explains, "well when I got in I tripped over the dog and my wife said why dont you kill the poor animal!!So I did."
The next guy opens his box,inside of which is a load of smashed cutlery. He goes on to explain that when he got in he made himself a sandwich but dropped and smashed the plate and his wife said, "why dont you smash the bloody lot?" So he did...
The final guy opens his box and inside is a load of blood and gore. The others cringe and tell him to shut the box. His mate asks him what happened and he explains... "Well,when I got in my wife had gone to bed and I was feeling a bit horny so I climbed into bed behind her, slipped my finger in her pussy and she said "you can cut that out when you like"