A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly. There are two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He has not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
The Waiter replies..............
So solly…….. I brought you Peeking Duck!!
Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball up his arse.
The doctor gets him to bend over and spread his cheeks so he can have a proper look after poking and prodding the doctor says.
Oooh….. I don’t know what to do, it’s in a fairway.
A bloke goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks the guy behind the counter,
"Have you got any fishcakes?"
"No", replies the chippy.
The bloke says “That’s a pity, it’s his birthday today”.
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a sofa and his two kids into
armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I
done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family? I don't
know any magic to turn them back into people! So, he thought for a while and
decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could
operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to
the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks
the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"
Man walks up to a woman in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond"
the woman says "oh don't tell me........James Bond?" The chap says
"No Uni Bond and I'm here to fill your crack?!"
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked.
“I’m on your shoulder” the voice replied
"Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the fuck, were you when I got married?"
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