Thursday, June 01, 2006

TODAYS JOKES

A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts.

The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.

On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar.

The bartender said, "YES! The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts.

The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage slowly dragging his card table.

The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here, with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"

The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be..."


One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises
and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.



A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.

The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender

Shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head

In amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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