Friday, April 07, 2006

15 Easy Steps To Crap Like A Man

15 Easy Steps To Crap Like A Man

1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell wife in a loud voice, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your
legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities for the benefit of friends and wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. THIS IS IMPORTANT …. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or when, your wife next uses the toilet.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Check your hands they MAY need a wash.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

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