Tuesday, January 06, 2009


My gran's one of those people who thinks a cup of tea is the answer to everything.
And the daft bat still wonders why she didn't get past the first round of Mastermind.

I sometimes get my guitar out on the bus and have a little sing-along.
It's great fun, but my passengers shit themselves.

A ginger kid got knocked down by a lorry outside my house today. Just think - that could've been me. But I can't drive a lorry.

The school said my son is really clever and could end up being a scientist!
I wonder where he gets that from? I'll ask the milkman - he's in Mensa and has been on Mastermind.

A ginger bloke at work fell into the industrial meat mincer this week.Took us fucking ages to find the on switch.

I'm sick of people knocking on my door, begging.
There's just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank........so I gave her a right fucking mouthful.

I got hit by a car yesterday.
The driver came over and said, "What's your name, so I can call and tell your mum and dad?"
"That’s a waste of time” I said, "They already know my name".

My grandma passed away on Christmas Eve.
In her will, she stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all of her favourite possessions.
You should have seen the look on the cat's face, when they were nailing the coffin lid down.

My girlfriend was telling me that black men's cocks taste like cabbage. Then I thought- how would she know that? The fat bitch has never eaten cabbage in her life.

I didn’t know my wife was a gymnast. But you should see how she flipped when she found out I was fucking her sister.

A gay guy walks into a bar and sees a mate of his. He says to him really loudly 'How's your arse today?'
The second guy is embarassed and says 'Shut up!'
So the first guy says 'So's mine, it must be the cold weather'.

My wife said that I don't know my arse from my elbow.
But she was wrong, as I clearly demonstrated that my arse, couldn’t knock three of her teeth out.

I bought myself a new stick of roll on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'……..Five fucking hours I spent in casualty!

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