Wednesday, May 07, 2008


These are REAL stupid comments that people actually put on their resumes.

1. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

2. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

3. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

4. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

5. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.

6. I Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

7. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

8. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

9. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

10. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

11. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

12. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

13. Special skills: Thyping.

14. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

15. Objectives: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus, and some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.

16. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.

17. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

18. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

19. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I usually make points as well as I can.

20. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.

21. I have recently sold my home and I now live in my car so I will be able to relocate quickly.

22. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.

23. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.

24. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.

25. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.

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