Wednesday, April 23, 2008

LATEST JOKES

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Two gentlemen having a pee in the toilets at Grand Central Station in New York.

One gentleman says to the other,

"Are you from Melbourne Australia?"

The other gentleman exclaims,

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman says,

"Do you belong to Beth HamedrashTemple in Caulfield?"

The second gentleman exclaims,

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman says,

"Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz, the mohel, still there?"

The second gentleman exclaims

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman answers,

"Because he always cuts on a slant,

And, you're peeing on my shoe!"




This lady takes her dog to the vet, and he found the dog's problem: hair in its ears had become compacted. He fixed up the dog, then told the lady that to keep this from recurring she should buy some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some Nair. The chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds, "I'm not using it under my arms."
So the chemist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." She responds, again, "I'm not using it on my legs."
Then she adds, "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The chemist says, "In that case, Stay off your bicycle for a week."




The shapely topless dancer went to Mass dressed in her working clothes, but was stopped at the door by the priest. "Miss," he said, "you can't go in like that."

But, Father," protested the churchgoer, "I have a divine right."

"Aye, and your left isn't bad, either," the man of the cloth responded, "but you still can't enter the church without proper attire."




A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "this is a special day for me
I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist
told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man."I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of
my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"




A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims,"I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

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