QUICKIES

1. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought I thought- "That's Abbariginal"


2. I told my girlfriend that I had got a job in a Bowling Alley. She said "Tenpin". I said "No-permanent"


3. I went to a pet shop and asked "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said "Do you want an aquarium?" I said "I don't care what star sign it is"


4. I was at a garden centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagon with no driver.


5. I bought some Armageddon cheese the other day. It said on the packet "Best before end".


6. I went into Currys the other day and asked "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood". I said "Where is he then?"


7. My mate is in love with two school-bags. He's bi-satchel.


8. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


9. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I would'nt do it if you paid me".


10. I told my mum that I had just opened a theatre. She said "Are you having me on?" I said "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything".


11. This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi"


12.I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah", I went "Moo". He said "You're nearest, you start".


13. I bought a train ticket to France the other day and the ticket seller said "Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly once but I'm no Frank Sinatra"


14. I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays"


15. I went to the local video shop and asked the guy "Can I take out the Elephant Man?" He said "He's not your type". I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever". He said "No-you'll have to bring it back tomorrow".