TODAYS QUICKIES

Every time the door bell goes, our dog runs straight into a corner..
Is it because...he's a boxer?

Why wouldn't they let Matthew Kelly manage the England squad?
Because, he wanted to put Seaman in the under 16's.

Man goes to fancy dress party; he wears nothing but a jam jar on his cock.
Lady asks "What are you?"
He says "I’m a Fireman....., you break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can"

A woman goes into the dentist's, she takes off her knickers and sits in the dentist's chair with a leg on each arm.
You have made a mistake madam. The gynaecologist is on the next floor.
No mistake'' she replies, yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures - today I want you to take them out

Jade Goody from Big Brother has apparently changed her name and adopted the Muslim faith to prove she isn’t racist.
She wants to be known as Yaffat Fukka

Irishman walks into pet shop
Irishman: "You have any goldfish?"
Man behind counter: "You want an aquarium?"
Irishman: "I don’t care what fucking star sign it is!"

A boy goes up to his mother and asks "Why have I got the biggest dick in my class??? Is it because I’m black???"
His mother replies "Fuck off!! It's because you’re the teacher dickhead!!”

They asked me to run a marathon, I said NO!
They said it's for blind kids and spastics,
I thought fuck it, I could win this.

I like to look on the good side of prison.
At least by the time you get out, you'll be able to smuggle twice the amount of drugs up your rectum.

My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her "Moley." Then she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her "Holy Moley." And she married a Mexican feller, now we call her "Guaca-Moley"

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.