Sunday, January 28, 2007


Don't throw a brick straight up.

If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a gun by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.

Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.

Don't iron clothes while wearing them.

Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.

Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.

Don't lick dry ice.

If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.

Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window – use the stairs.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

And if you are one of the stupid people who have done these things….

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

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