Monday, September 04, 2006


Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, stop fucking clapping then!"

Elton John is getting a divorce.
He found out his husband was having sex behind his back.

Guard: "What would you like?"
Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"

What's the difference between Joan Collins and a KitKat?
You'll only get four fingers in a KitKat.

Why is John Prescott like an Ikea flat pack?
Two screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Two Irish skiers are at the top of a mountain - and they don't know whether to ski down zig zag or zag zig...
So they go up to a guy stood on the top of the mountain and ask him - Do we go down here zig zag or zag zig. The guy replies - I don't know, I'm a Toboganist.
To which one of the Micks says 'Fuck it - give me 20 Benson and Hedges'.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I went to the zoo.
There was only one dog there.
It was a shitzu.

No comments: